In the past couple of years, after sitting across the table from friends and acquaintances in cozy pubs over a good microbrew (or over a good latte in a coffeehouse), I have come to a huge realization. Oftentimes, there is no such thing as a Midlife Crisis. What I see are Midlife Awakenings.
Let’s back up a second…
Growing up, I remember adults tsk-tsking and shaking their heads as they listened to shocking news about other friends of theirs who had suddenly done some sort of monumental, sudden (and often unacceptable), change-up in their lives. “He’s finally gone off the deep end.” “I don’t know what’s got into her, all of a sudden.” “Don’t they know what this is doing to ____?” “She’s acting like a teenager.” “Doesn’t he know he’ll never make any money at that?” “Are they crazy?”
And always followed up with, “Maybe it’s some kind of midlife crisis.”
The stereotypical 45 year-old who buys a Harley for the first time in his life. The woman who gets a divorce after 30 years and moves in with someone else. The person who chucks their high-salaried corporate job and starts some little small business. These are just a few examples of what society has labeled “midlife crises.” (And admittedly, there are some who do make careless and foolish mistakes that they later regret because they did not think things through. But I’m not talking about them today. I’m talking about all the rest…)
Flash forward to when I myself become “middle-aged.” (Holy crap! Already??) A lot can happen to friends when you live in California for three years and then come back to re-join their lives-in-progress. Their children grow up. They turn a little grayer up top. They have suddenly realized that we only have about thirty to forty more years of life left (if we're lucky). And that is a serious, sobering thought.
What I see happening, is people start recognizing what means the most to them in life, and what doesn’t. What is slowly destroying them and robbing them of their soul, and what is more life giving and worthwhile. Some have been living a life that they thought would make them or others happy, but really they either hadn’t yet discovered their true bliss or talent or personality….or knew what it was all along, but suppressed it because their mate or their families did not approve. I myself had my “midlife awakening” kind of early when I quit my corporate job, moved across the country, and devoted most of my time to being a writer. It was there that I found my most peaceful, happy self.
This past summer, I attended my high school class reunion (25 years!) and I saw a bunch of 42-43 year olds who looked more beautiful and more content and more wise than I’d ever seen them in my life. They were finally comfortable in their own skin. They cared not if others approved or disapproved. The hardest part of parenting was over for most of them, and they were starting to live life for themselves again. Some (like me) had changed careers a few times and finally found their best niche. Things that used to be major issues once…we could now chuckle at.
Right now, some of my friends/acquaintances, both male and female, are going through (or have gone through) some serious transitions. The changes they want to make in their lives are not easy, because they will affect other lives, and maybe not in the best way. But I’ve never seen them so alive. I’ve watched them shed the final layers of what they were “supposed” to be all these years and uncover their true, authentic selves. They’re taking up crafts no one knew they could do. They’re starting to speak up for themselves more and express their desires when they always used to fade into the background and just go along with things. They’re realizing what living with passion is, for the first time in their lives. A couple of them are carefully, with utmost regard for their spouses, deciding how to leave a marriage that happened for all the wrong reasons. And while the huge changes they’re about to make will seem shocking, erratic, and unacceptable to a lot of people…what they will be doing is loving themselves more than they ever have before. Being the most whole and fulfilled people they can be, in the time they have left.
And I think this is a thing of beauty. It’s been hard watching them struggle…but it’s good to know (in the modified words of writer Anais Ninn) that the pain of staying locked in the bud has become greater than the pain of blooming.
