Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Asking For a Sign

Normally, I don't make a habit of asking for signs from my Creator...solely on principle. Because I need to practice trust. Trusting that everything is in divine order at all times, and that answers or clarity will come exactly when it's supposed to. And the more in tune with divine presence I am, the better.

But there are those days. We've all had them. Days when we find ourselves at our wits' end. Crumpled in a heap at the end of a long day, completely drained physically and emotionally. We've dropped our basket of hopeful ideas, positive mantras, and inspirational quotes...and they're strewn all over the floor. But we're too tired to pick them up. We're so frustrated that we can't even speak or cry...we just sort of go numb with despair.

Yesterday was one of those days. Not only was I experiencing a huge disappointment (I'll spare the details) over something I had to let go of in a big way...but I felt I'd hit the hard, jarring bottom of my Patience Tank.
Patience over my life situation.

For the last year, I've been diligently looking for work back in Santa Barbara so that I can return to the part of the country where I'm happiest, healthiest, and where my writing thrives. For the last three years I have felt more and more trapped by my financial situation, in a living arrangement that has me being primary caregiver to an aging mother with dementia. The progress of my writing goals and dreams have taken a back seat, with my creative spirit getting drained by the aforementioned living situation, and this is the most critical thing in my life right now!

I have been yearning to get back west, back into my own place, and to simplify my life again so that I can write uninterrupted. I want to get busy publishing the two novels I've had finished for years. Develop better marketing and promotion plans.

But last night....after all this waiting and disappointment and frustration (and it's been building like this since last summer), I just collapsed in despair. I thought about the spiritual counseling I'd had two months ago, and why I didn't seem able to carry out the helpful advice I was given.

The spiritual counselor who is also an Intuitive (I don't like to use the term Psychic, because it tends to turn some people off) said my writing was fantastic and that it is INDEED supposed to be my one, thriving career in time. He said my one obstacle was believing in my own ability to make it happen. He told me to pick a bird and contemplate it soaring through the sky---daily. "When birds fly, they are unlimited. They can see everything and go anywhere they want to."

I told him I felt like a bird in a cage.

Last night, I felt like it more than ever before. I felt like my wings were just broken from bashing against the side of my cage. In my tears of frustration, I asked God, "Would you please give me some kind of sign tomorrow? I really, REALLY need a sign this time. That I'm getting close to moving...that deliverance is near...that I can move forward with my life. SOON." After lying there awhile, I thought of my bird. I tried to imagine it flying, but I just didn't have the heart. As an afterthought, I said, "And make it some kind of BIRD sign, God, with a specific message--so I'll know it's really You."

Today, when I got home from work, I opened the mailbox and found this.

                                               Photo by Randy Jennings

I stood there, mouth agape, and then a slow smile spread across my face. I hadn't had that clear of a "sign" for a long, long time. Wow.

So I guess I'll be taking off. Real soon. God will take care of the details, I've no doubt. Maybe some of those sweet jobs I applied for in my destination city (I've expanded my horizons beyond just Santa Barbara) will call for an interview. My hope is renewed.

So don't be afraid to ask for a sign. Even if you're not a believer...ask for a sign without concerning yourself about where it came from. Everyone deserves a sign when they're at a difficult crossroads and when their patience is gone.

And now to give credit where credit is due.....this bird image was on an invitation from my friend and her husband for a photography exhibit that will showcase his work taken with a Holga toy camera! Please visit this website, check out his stuff, and attend the show if you're local. Thanks Randy & Jenni. I needed that more than you will ever know. And thanks, God.