Sunday, February 26, 2012

When It Just Won't Let Up

A lot can happen in seven months.

Since my last blog entry, I busted a move. In November I packed up my car and went out to the Pacific Northwest on a temporary basis, staying at the home of a very generous cousin until I found a job. Three months, three interviews, and two temp jobs later...I'm still looking for long-term work, still trying to get settled, and currently facing all kinds of adversity and challenges every step of the way.

If you've ever been through a phase in life where one challenge after another keeps hurtling into your path with the ridiculous frequency of a video game...if it's the kind of phase where you feel like the sailor on deck holding onto the mast with all his might while one storm after another batters his ship till he's so tired he can hardly hold on anymore...

...then this blog's for YOU.

I've learned a lot about my need (and perhaps many humans' need) for privacy, and how it can--in the long term--do a number on one's head when it's non-existent. I now know that I would never make it in a commune. I need my sacred space. After not having my own dwelling since August of 2007, I'm beyond frazzled. I daydream about cooking in my own kitchen again, and playing the music I want to hear, singing along as I walk throughout the house. I dream of stretching out and getting a good night's sleep in my own queen-size bed again, or walking around naked if I choose to.

Amazing how life (most of it, anyway) comes to a grinding halt when you don't have adequate money to pay for basic needs like food, shelter, and transportation.

So as the need to find my own apartment becomes more urgent, the permanent job/long term assignment continues to elude me. This week I discovered that my cat's cavity is making her more uncomfortable and it's probably a good idea to have her tooth pulled as soon as possible. Then, because I forgot to change my withholding to 0---I owe a huge sum of taxes this year. And finally....if I'm to find an interim living arrangement while I wait for the next job, that will also cost money.

So many challenges started happening, that it became absurdly funny. First I laughed. Then I yelled to the universe, "Fine! You wanna pile it on? Go right ahead! I've been through worse things than this!"

I mean, seriously. I can only fret and stress for so long before I just have to surrender and trust that there is a process and that it's all going to work out. Even if I have to squirm in the uncertainty a little longer.

I spent two hours on the phone with one of my best friends last night. The one who always reminds me of everything I know and believe, spiritually. She is my Reinforcer always, and I love her for that. So my new plan of attack is gratitude and focusing on all the things I have before me, despite what's still missing and lacking.

Today, the sun is shining in a blue Sunday sky. My body is healthy and strong as I train for another half marathon. I have family and friends who love me dearly and are all sending good thoughts and hopes that I will be settled soon with a great job and home. I have my trusty new Hyundai that gets me where I need to go, and wonderful public transportation that saves me gas money. I still have a roof over my head and a temporary room of my own while my cousin is away, and enough food to last me until my next payday. I have a job and income for the next five weeks. My cat only has a bad tooth, and not a life-threatening illness. And the city in which I reside has gorgeous scenery all around it, for me to enjoy every day.

The goals that are out there waiting for me cannot enter my life when I'm coming from a place of stress and struggle. After embracing my human emotion of fear, and the inconvenience of uncertainty--which has been going on for a few years, now--I need to get up, lean toward feeling good, be aware of what's happening in each moment, and breathe.

Easier said than done, sometimes, but's the only way to survive.