Saturday, March 31, 2012

Being Willing to Receive

Some amazing things went down this week, many of which I'm still processing. But these events are definitely worth sharing, because they felt like miracles to me.

Since my last entry, I've been stressing out a lot about survival. I finally took a huge leap of faith and got an apartment of my own. I breathed a huge sigh of relief as I reclaimed my independence and privacy for the first time in four and a half years. But I'm not out the woods yet, financially. My temp job was extended until the end of April, but there is still no permanent job on the horizon. Everything is still up in the air, undecided, and a mystery.

And so I've been living very simply, without spending much money and without many of my worldly possessions, which are sitting in a basement back in Ohio, waiting for me to come get them. I have no idea when I'll have the money to move. I should probably enjoy how spacious my tiny place is, before the stuff finally gets here to clutter it up.

In the meantime, there are taxes due, Vet bills to pay down, more monthly expenses now that I'm on my own, and rising gas prices. And laptop, which is old and only hanging together (quite literally) by a thread, caught a damn virus. I had a serious "George Bailey" meltdown in which I prayed for help in a big way. Immediate help. I felt myself completely surrender. I felt my panicked fists un-clench, and I felt my hands open to receive. This is easier said than done, when I am so used to being the Giver. I love being the Giver, I truly do. But sometimes I get so into that role, that I forget how to receive. I feel uneasy about asking for help. But in that moment...I was willing.

Sure enough, my prayers were fast-tracked.

When I finally had the courage to get out of bed, I called the number of a private computer tech who runs a little mom-and-pop business out of his home. He is the Awesome when it comes to knowing his computer-tech stuff. I feel fortunate to have found him, and was doubly fortunate when he felt compassion for my situation and gave me a ridiculously generous discount on his house call. He fixed the virus, cleaned all the malware and other crap off its drive, put more powerful virus protection on it, and offered to give me (GIVE me) a monitor and keyboard so I could use my desktop computer as backup. I had tears in my eyes when I signed my bill and thanked him profusely.

But that's not all I received.

In searching for computer parts on Craig's List, I came across a couple who wanted to get rid of their like-new futon that they didn't need. Now I have a place to sit down in my empty apartment!

And now I have a great "headquarters" in which to work on all those 7th grade articles I'm writing in a new educational-writing freelance job I landed last week.

Gifts like these have been raining down on me for the last couple of months in intermittent showers...but this week was the downpour. Just like the rain that continues to fall and fall and fall on my city right now, with no end in sight.

I decided to stop railing against the rain and embrace it. I sang all the songs I could think of about rain, as I walked the four blocks from my bus stop to my building downtown. I relished the humming of the rails as the MAX glided by. I gazed up at the giant Portlandia statue, reaching down to pedestrians below and had a big Talking Heads "Well...HOW DID I GET HERE??" moment. (Life is so crazy) I even bought a running hat so I could run in the damn rain as I train for a half-marathon coming up in May. The less resistance I have, the more things flow, the more I relax, and the more my hands open to receive.

I swear, that's just the way it works.