Tuesday, July 26, 2011

All Good Gifts

Have you ever been in a frustrating holding pattern, waiting for the next goal in your life to come about? And the holding pattern goes on for well over a year?

This week I determined (and it was later affirmed by an older sister) that I must be putting up some kind of resistance...and resistance can only cause roadblocks. And roadblocks delay the goal.

My goal is finding a solid job offer in Portland, Oregon so that I can move back out west and resume the next chapter of my life. It's not the goal itself that I'm resisting, but everything that's standing in its way. I had hoped to flee hot, humid Ohio before the dead of summer, but here I am in the thick of it. Each day that dawned hazy and sticky, I silently cursed. Each week that ticked by with me no closer to Oregon made me want to cry. Each job I applied for and didn't get a response from, I would heap more frustration and impatience on the pile that was already higher than my head. Each "bad day" I had in my current caregiver living situation with my mother made me feel like the caged bird that flings itself against its iron-bar walls in vain, nearly injuring its wings trying to escape. The last thing I need, in order to fly, is injured wings!

So this week I decided that I needed to change things up. Not only would I quit resisting everything that is not my move out west, but I would get my trusty "Abraham Law of Attraction tools back out, and actively use them. These are spiritual tools--staying in alignment with my Source (who I call God) energy and actively co-creating the happenings and relationships in my life by keeping my energetic vibrations high (if you feel good, they're up...if you feel bad, they're down, it's that simple) and attracting the good stuff in--that I used to use every day with enough regularity to really make things happen in my life. Especially in my first move out west to California. Somehow, in the last 4 years, I had let the stresses in my life eclipse them. The good thing is, I can always pick them back up again at any time.

Every day I wake up and immediately go through my gratitude list. I play relaxing classical music on the drive to work, and think about how lucky I am to have income right now, and a beautiful new car. I am thankful for being able to work with some of the nicest coworkers one could ever have. Then I contemplate how good and secure it will feel to be drawing a large and lucrative paycheck at my new job. I imagine the contented smiles of my new coworkers, and the day someone shakes my hand and says, "Alexandra, welcome aboard. We are so excited to have you with us." I think about the job I really have my heart set on, being a New Media Writer for an organization that works for a children's cause, and I see all the faces of the children I would be helping. I feel how cozy and clean my new apartment is, and how sweet it will feel to reach down and pet my cat while cooking in my OWN kitchen again. I imagine seeing the majestic beauty of Mt. Hood on my drive to work, and I feel myself grin at the idea of getting a good morning text from the available new man in my life. Feeling these feelings makes me feel good. My energy level rises. Doors of consciousness open, and the goals/dreams can finally enter.

This week, I went to one of my favorite grottoes to pray and meditate. I sat on its brick terrace just before sunset, listening to the katydid choruses and the water trickling down the rock fountain. I sat smelling the spruce trees that kept watch overhead, and catching glimpses of birds and insects flitting among the flowers and plants growing out of the rocky shrine walls. I invited all the souls of my loving departed ones to join me in prayer....Dad, Tony, the aunts and uncles and 2 young cousins, grandparents, former therapist Maureen, Zochae, my high school buddy Dave, and the angels, of course. Tony was appointed my special guardian of this cause, since he had been planning to move to Oregon before he fell fatally ill.

I could feel the vibration of my heightened energy pulsating all around me. I felt a perpetual smile on my relaxed face. I sat there for a long time with an empty mind, just doing Zen sitting meditation, when the family walked in.

A South American mother, an energetic American father, and two sweet little girls with big brown eyes and dark hair. "Don't bother that woman," I heard the dad tell his girls quietly. "She's praying." But the girls were curious. They disregarded him and walked right up to me. They saw me smiling at them. To my complete surprise and utter delight, the littlest one opened her arms to me with a face full of loving conviction. I gave her a warm hug, and thanked her. I swear, I felt like I'd been hugged by an angel. Perhaps she was, only five or six years outside of heaven and fresh from the Creator.

Something about that occurrence moved me. It felt like a sign and an affirmation that yes--my vibrational energy was up into realms that would draw love and compassion and goodness. From seemingly out of nowhere. And delightfully unexpected.

The title of this blog entry comes from a song from the musical Godspell, and one I used to love singing ever since I was a child. It's been stuck in my head all week. Whether a believer or non-believer, its lyrics are compelling and make one take stock in the gifts that are surrounding us every day, even when we don't notice them.

I haven't made a post in a long time, due to being caught up in my resistance. I'm not sure who's even following this blog these days, but I hope there was something in this message that someone needed to hear today.