It's one thing to watch our parents get to the age when their bodies become more frail, and they begin to move a lot more slowly, often taking our arm for support or a cane or a walker. But it's another thing entirely to watch as their once-sharp minds begin to fail them, and they're still together enough to know it's happening.
It reminds me of Flowers For Algernon, the famous novel that we probably all had to read at some point in our school curriculum growing up.
Many senior citizens are lucky to never reach this point. Others have to spend the final years of their lives reverting to a childlike mental state, where life is like one long movie in which you can never quite follow the plot, and it can be heartbreaking for them and everyone.
Mom: I feel like I can't even function in society anymore, honey. My brain just doesn't work right.
Me: *gulping down the lump in my throat* Well, you're not alone, Mom. It's happening to many others your age. And I guess all those pregnancies paid off, huh? We're all here to help you get through it.
I'm finding that it's helpful to remember two things: the things our parents do and say aren't personal, and certainly not intentional. The other thing that helps is to read and re-read a narrative called A Parent's Wish that came to me in a family email.
(If you want to watch the long PowerPoint version of it, with Josh Groban's You Raise Me Up making it ten times more heartrending...it's at this website)
A Parent's Wish
On the day when you see us old, weak and weary…have patience and try to understand us
If we get dirty when eating, if we can not dress on our own…please bear with us and remember the times we spent feeding you and dressing you up.
If, when we speak to you, we repeat the same things over and over again…do not interrupt us. Listen to us. When you were small, we had to read you the same story a thousand and one times until you fell asleep
When we do not want to have a shower, do not shame or scold us, but remember when we had to chase you with your thousand excuses to get you to the bath?
When you see our ignorance of new technologies, help us navigate our way through those worldwide webs
We taught you how to do so many things…to eat the right foods, to dress appropriately, to fight for your rights…
When at some moments if we lose our memory or the thread of some conversation, let us have the necessary time to remember. And if we cannot, don’t become nervous…as the most important thing is not our conversation but surely to be with you and to have you listening to us.
(This is my own that I'd like to add: When we are impossibly stubborn and refuse to cooperate and sometimes say or do nonsensical and irrational things...please forgive us and know that it's our loss of inhibition and brain malfunctioning....and remember when we put up with all your impossible tantrums when you were a toddler)
If ever we do not feel like eating, do not force us. We know well when we need to and when not to eat.
When our tired legs give way and do not allow us to walk without a cane, lend us your hand. The same way we did when you tried your first faltering steps.
And when some day we say to you that we do not want to live anymore, that we want to die, do not get angry. Some day you will understand.
Try to understand that our age is not just lived but survived
Some day you will realize that, despite our mistakes, we always wanted the best for you. And we tried to prepare the way for you.
You must not feel sad, angry or ashamed for having us near you. Instead, try to understand us and help us like we did when you were young.
Help us to walk…help us to live the rest of our life with love and dignity. We will pay you with a smile and by the immense love we have always had for you in our hearts.
We love you, child.
Mom and Dad
When times get especially challenging living close to my mother again, it helps to remember all of this. Sometimes it's a little harder to comprehend, when ADULTS begin to act like children. One's brain says, "This does not compute! They're adults. At least you can say that kids don't know better."
But this is the nature of old age, and I'm finding that there's an art to dealing with it. A healthy mix of acceptance, patience, letting other family members step up, taking the necessary breaks for my own wellbeing, and asking for a little grace from my Higher Power. One day at a time.
It's payback time, for the years and years of care I was given. And damn it, that feels rewarding--no matter what the cost.
Here's to all of us as we help usher parents and other loved ones to the end of their lives..
Namaste
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